As
a fledgling author and newbie to the ether of the internet social
marketing, today I have the opportunity to interview a MAN WHO IS ALL
CAPS, ALL THE TIME. LIKE A KEYBOARD COATED WITH VIAGRA.
For
the record, DRUNK HULK is an absolute Twitter phenomena. He is
rapidly approaching 200,000 followers, and I know that his family is
not that large (pre-interview background check).
That
MAN, who is far better known that I ever will be (unless I get a Booz
Allen job and then do a bit of hacking) is DRUNK HULK. A ROUND OF
APPLAUSE... (CLAPPING IN THE BACKGROUND) FOR OUR GUEST DRUNK HULK.
WELCOME
MR. DRUNK, OR SHOULD I CALL YOU HULK?
WHATEVER!
DO
I HAVE TO CONDUCT THE INTERVIEW IN CAPS OR CAN I REVERT TO NORMAL
TYPING? WHATEVER YOU ARE COMFORTABLE WITH REALLY?
WEAR
WHATEVER HAT YOU LIKE! DRUNK HULK NO CARE!
Wow,
thanks. I was getting slightly dizzy. Not sure how you maintain that
all caps pace. Is it mostly training or natural ability? Or, may I
ask, are there performance enhancing drugs involved?
DRUNK
HULK NEVER TAKE PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS! THIS BODY IS WORK OF
ART! DRUNK HULK HAVE BELLY LIKE SALVADOR DALI MELTING CLOCK! ALL
THANKS TO STEADY REGIME OF ALCOHOL! AND TACOS!
Now,
the legend is that you started DRUNK HULK as a bit of a lark. Is that
true, or had you received some special PSYCH OPS training prior to
gaining mental control of your audience?
DRUNK
HULK NEVER WANTED TO BE DRUNK HULK! BUT THEN ONE DAY DRUNK HULK WENT
TO COLLEGE! DRUNK HULK PASS COLLEGE WITH 5.0! UNFORTUNATELY! THAT
BAC! NOT GPA!
DRUNK
HULK WANTED BE LAWYER! BUT NEVER COULD PASS BAR! WITHOUT STOPPING IN
AND ORDERING BEERS!
AND
DRUNK HULK NEVER HAD PSY CHOPS! DRUNK HULK PRETTY SURE PSY STILL
ALIVE! AND EVEN IF HE DEAD! DRUNK HULK HAVE NO INTENTION OF RESORTING
TO CANNIBALISM!
So,
for the record, you claim no prior history in PSYCH OPS, or Special
Forces training. How then, have you managed to amass such a loyal
following?
DRUNK
HULK MADE MISTAKE OF FEEDING 194,000 PEOPLE! AND THEN THEY FOLLOW
DRUNK HULK HOME! NOW DRUNK HULK GOT TO TAKE CARE OF THEM ALL! LIKE
GREMLINS! OR BALDWINS!
Wouldn't
you agree that using ALL CAPS IS CHEATING?
YOUR
OBSESSION WITH HATS IS WEIRD! ANYWAY! HOW COME EVERYONE ONLY FREAK
OUT ABOUT ALL CAPS!? BUT NOT ALL FEDORAS!? OR ALL KIPPAHS!? IT NOT
SEEM FAIR!
Moving
on, I am sure all the women reading want to know, is there a DRUNK
HULKETTE?
DRUNK
HULK HAVE MANY GIRLFRIENDS! BUT IT NEVER WORK OUT!
DRUNK
HULK DATE BARTENDER ONCE! BUT SHE REFUSE TO TAKE HER WORK HOME WITH
HER!
DRUNK
HULK DATE ANOTHER BARTENDER FROM TGIF! BUT SHE GOT CAUGHT SWITCHING
TOP SHELF ALCOHOL WITH CHEAP STUFF! THAT WHAT DRUNK HULK GET TRUSTING
SOMEONE WHO ALREADY LIE SIX DAYS OUT OF EVERY WEEK!
DRUNK
HULK DATE NINJA ONCE! BUT SHE BREAK UP WITH DRUNK HULK! SHE SAY DRUNK
HULK NEVER NOTICE HER!
LAST
GIRLFRIEND DRIVE DRUNK HULK TO DRINK! THEN SHE DRIVE DRUNK HULK HOME!
SHE WAS KEEPER! BUT HER HUSBAND DISAGREED!
Does
your unofficial title of "Most Interesting (DRUNK) Man in the
World" put pressure on you to use ALL CAPS, even when you're
just trying to enjoy a dozen beers like an ordinary guy?
DRUNK
HULK JUST LIKE YOU! DRUNK HULK RIP PANTS ONE LEG AT TIME!
Just
personal curiosity, do you like Hello Kitty?
DRUNK
HULK PREFER GOODBYE PUPPY! LESSER KNOWN CHEAPER VERSION THAT YOU CAN
BUY IN RETIREMENT HOME GIFT SHOPS!
So
would you say you are essentially a GREEN ALL CAPS DRUNK BUDDHA with
a more obvious sense of humor?
NO!
DRUNK HULK NOT SAY THAT AT ALL! THIS IS WHY!
FIRST
OFF! DRUNK IS CONDITION! SO THAT ADJECTIVE GO BEFORE COLOR! ALL CAPS
SHOULD GO FIRST! SO IT WOULD BE ALL CAPS DRUNK GREEN BUDDHA!
TWO
THINGS IN LIFE TO REMEMBER! RESPECT YOURSELF! AND RESPECT YOUR
ADJECTIVES! HEMINGWAY RESPECTED NEITHER! AND LOOK WHAT HAPPEN TO HIM!
DRUNK
HULK DID KNOW THAT! YOU TWEET ABOUT IT SO MUCH! DRUNK HULK THOUGHT
ALPHABET SUCCESS WAS EITHER NEW BATMAN! OR WAS ABOUT TO INVADE SYRIA!
I
know you are tremendously busy, generally wasted, and unaccustomed to
a world without CAPS but have you happened to read Alphabet
Success?
If so, any thoughts for my readers or potential readers?
INITIALLY
DRUNK HULK NOT WANT TO READ YOUR BOOK! DRUNK HULK ALREADY KNOW ALL 29
LETTERS IN STUPID ALPHABET!
BUT
YOUR BOOK REALLY ABOUT BEING SUCCESSFUL AND MEETING YOUR GOALS! TWO
THINGS DRUNK HULK ALREADY HAVE! BUT THINK IT GREAT BOOK FOR PEOPLE
WHO NOT PERFECT LIKE DRUNK HULK! GOOD READ!
Thank
you on behalf of all our readers as well as myself. It is a honor to
meet you. I THINK I SPEAK FOR EVERYONE IN SAYING, KEEP IT ALL CAPS,
ALL THE TIME. KEEP US ON THE ONE TRUE WANDERING PATH THROUGH THE
WOODS AND ALLEYS. Man, that ALL CAP stuff makes my fingers hurt.
Thanks again.
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