As a fledgling author and newbie to the ether of the internet social marketing, today I have the opportunity to interview a MAN WHO IS ALL CAPS, ALL THE TIME. LIKE A KEYBOARD COATED WITH VIAGRA.
For the record, DRUNK HULK is an absolute Twitter phenomena. He is rapidly approaching 200,000 followers, and I know that his family is not that large (pre-interview background check).
That MAN, who is far better known that I ever will be (unless I get a Booz Allen job and then do a bit of hacking) is DRUNK HULK. A ROUND OF APPLAUSE... (CLAPPING IN THE BACKGROUND) FOR OUR GUEST DRUNK HULK.
WELCOME MR. DRUNK, OR SHOULD I CALL YOU HULK?
DO I HAVE TO CONDUCT THE INTERVIEW IN CAPS OR CAN I REVERT TO NORMAL TYPING? WHATEVER YOU ARE COMFORTABLE WITH REALLY?
WEAR WHATEVER HAT YOU LIKE! DRUNK HULK NO CARE!
Wow, thanks. I was getting slightly dizzy. Not sure how you maintain that all caps pace. Is it mostly training or natural ability? Or, may I ask, are there performance enhancing drugs involved?
DRUNK HULK NEVER TAKE PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS! THIS BODY IS WORK OF ART! DRUNK HULK HAVE BELLY LIKE SALVADOR DALI MELTING CLOCK! ALL THANKS TO STEADY REGIME OF ALCOHOL! AND TACOS!
Now, the legend is that you started DRUNK HULK as a bit of a lark. Is that true, or had you received some special PSYCH OPS training prior to gaining mental control of your audience?
DRUNK HULK NEVER WANTED TO BE DRUNK HULK! BUT THEN ONE DAY DRUNK HULK WENT TO COLLEGE! DRUNK HULK PASS COLLEGE WITH 5.0! UNFORTUNATELY! THAT BAC! NOT GPA!
DRUNK HULK WANTED BE LAWYER! BUT NEVER COULD PASS BAR! WITHOUT STOPPING IN AND ORDERING BEERS!
AND DRUNK HULK NEVER HAD PSY CHOPS! DRUNK HULK PRETTY SURE PSY STILL ALIVE! AND EVEN IF HE DEAD! DRUNK HULK HAVE NO INTENTION OF RESORTING TO CANNIBALISM!
So, for the record, you claim no prior history in PSYCH OPS, or Special Forces training. How then, have you managed to amass such a loyal following?
DRUNK HULK MADE MISTAKE OF FEEDING 194,000 PEOPLE! AND THEN THEY FOLLOW DRUNK HULK HOME! NOW DRUNK HULK GOT TO TAKE CARE OF THEM ALL! LIKE GREMLINS! OR BALDWINS!
Wouldn't you agree that using ALL CAPS IS CHEATING?
YOUR OBSESSION WITH HATS IS WEIRD! ANYWAY! HOW COME EVERYONE ONLY FREAK OUT ABOUT ALL CAPS!? BUT NOT ALL FEDORAS!? OR ALL KIPPAHS!? IT NOT SEEM FAIR!
Moving on, I am sure all the women reading want to know, is there a DRUNK HULKETTE?
DRUNK HULK HAVE MANY GIRLFRIENDS! BUT IT NEVER WORK OUT!
DRUNK HULK DATE BARTENDER ONCE! BUT SHE REFUSE TO TAKE HER WORK HOME WITH HER!
DRUNK HULK DATE ANOTHER BARTENDER FROM TGIF! BUT SHE GOT CAUGHT SWITCHING TOP SHELF ALCOHOL WITH CHEAP STUFF! THAT WHAT DRUNK HULK GET TRUSTING SOMEONE WHO ALREADY LIE SIX DAYS OUT OF EVERY WEEK!
DRUNK HULK DATE NINJA ONCE! BUT SHE BREAK UP WITH DRUNK HULK! SHE SAY DRUNK HULK NEVER NOTICE HER!
LAST GIRLFRIEND DRIVE DRUNK HULK TO DRINK! THEN SHE DRIVE DRUNK HULK HOME! SHE WAS KEEPER! BUT HER HUSBAND DISAGREED!
Does your unofficial title of "Most Interesting (DRUNK) Man in the World" put pressure on you to use ALL CAPS, even when you're just trying to enjoy a dozen beers like an ordinary guy?
DRUNK HULK JUST LIKE YOU! DRUNK HULK RIP PANTS ONE LEG AT TIME!
Just personal curiosity, do you like Hello Kitty?
DRUNK HULK PREFER GOODBYE PUPPY! LESSER KNOWN CHEAPER VERSION THAT YOU CAN BUY IN RETIREMENT HOME GIFT SHOPS!
So would you say you are essentially a GREEN ALL CAPS DRUNK BUDDHA with a more obvious sense of humor?
NO! DRUNK HULK NOT SAY THAT AT ALL! THIS IS WHY!
FIRST OFF! DRUNK IS CONDITION! SO THAT ADJECTIVE GO BEFORE COLOR! ALL CAPS SHOULD GO FIRST! SO IT WOULD BE ALL CAPS DRUNK GREEN BUDDHA!
TWO THINGS IN LIFE TO REMEMBER! RESPECT YOURSELF! AND RESPECT YOUR ADJECTIVES! HEMINGWAY RESPECTED NEITHER! AND LOOK WHAT HAPPEN TO HIM!
DRUNK HULK DID KNOW THAT! YOU TWEET ABOUT IT SO MUCH! DRUNK HULK THOUGHT ALPHABET SUCCESS WAS EITHER NEW BATMAN! OR WAS ABOUT TO INVADE SYRIA!
I know you are tremendously busy, generally wasted, and unaccustomed to a world without CAPS but have you happened to read Alphabet Success? If so, any thoughts for my readers or potential readers?
INITIALLY DRUNK HULK NOT WANT TO READ YOUR BOOK! DRUNK HULK ALREADY KNOW ALL 29 LETTERS IN STUPID ALPHABET!
BUT YOUR BOOK REALLY ABOUT BEING SUCCESSFUL AND MEETING YOUR GOALS! TWO THINGS DRUNK HULK ALREADY HAVE! BUT THINK IT GREAT BOOK FOR PEOPLE WHO NOT PERFECT LIKE DRUNK HULK! GOOD READ!
Thank you on behalf of all our readers as well as myself. It is a honor to meet you. I THINK I SPEAK FOR EVERYONE IN SAYING, KEEP IT ALL CAPS, ALL THE TIME. KEEP US ON THE ONE TRUE WANDERING PATH THROUGH THE WOODS AND ALLEYS. Man, that ALL CAP stuff makes my fingers hurt. Thanks again.